Srpen 2018

Again

23. srpna 2018 v 2:13 My mess...
Full Mia in my head. Every single day since the north airoport. All the talking, the whole motherfucking group-therapy that it was, it all just brought up the parts of me that people hate. All the people they were talking about, all the people they blamed for the things that happened, they were all just me. They did what I do, they said what i say, acted as I act... And I couldn't help but to see all the terrible situations from their point of view, although I was supposed o sympathise with the other one. Because they were agressors, the victim's point of view was the right one. And I never was the victim. Or not yet. I couldn't understand how they felt, I was never there. The closest I got was just an illusion. Or was it? Well now, I'll never know, so it doesn't matter anymore. Although it still appears in my dreams and somehow touches me. I went out for a bit, to smoke, to walk far away, as far as I could, just to escape their cursing about people that I understood so well. I just lit the cigarette and walked on the wet pavement somewhere into the darkness. I wanted to cry so hard, but I couldn't squeeze out a tear. I put on some music that normally makes me cry my heart out... but nothing. And so I put on the ace. It worked just a bit. One single tear fell down on the already soaked ground. And no, it didn't help at all. I knew I had to go back in once. So I did.

One cigarette, two, three... I've lost count a long time ago. I just notice they come more often. Ten, twenty, thirty... Dark shadows under my eyes, the smell of smoke and dust in my hair, empty look... It's those times when you could watch the most beautiful scenery on the whole goddamn planet and not feel anything. It makes me stop. It makes me stop thinking about all the non-existing reasons of my misery for an instant. All those fairytales I told myself, all the make-believes I scared myself with. And now it's all gone. Because of the cave far away in the mountains. But you can't understand that refference, the same way you can't understand all of this bullshit I spit out in here. And here I am, at home where I don't feel at home, just existing, automatically... full Mia in my head. Writing some fucking blurry confession on a stupid blog...